Untitled
by All The Good Names Taken
Summary: Post Human Nature: "It doesn't take much for me to walk right into the shadow. Every time I think I've escaped it, you do something; say something, that makes me jump right back in again". Martha's thoughts on Rose. Shades of Doc/Rose, Doc/Mar, John/Joan


**Untitled**

It doesn't take much for me to walk right into the shadow. The long shadow that stretches on, too long for mine to fill it. Every time I think I've escaped it, you do something; say something, that makes me jump right back in again. Hiding myself in the dark. Pretending for your sake it's not me. It's _her_ casting the shadow over your shoulder. Always her that casts the shadow. The one I'll never be able to step out of. The one I _won't _step out of.

I watch you sometimes, lost in memories I'm not part of. A smile that's for someone else ghosting over your face, the phantom of happiness behind your eyes. I sigh and let the weight of 1913 fall upon me. Even Joan can't do it, can she? The way she ran and dodged it, with all her fancy words and mannerisms. Even she can't step into the light fully either, can she? No. Not with _you, _anyway.

I know she can't.

I saw the way you looked at her. Wary and almost reflective. I saw the way you looked at her and saw someone else. The way her secrets with you made you crave the company of a ghost. I felt bad for Joan. She was so sure. So sure you cared about her. And you did. I _know _you did. But not the way she cared for you... Not the way John Smith cared for her. He loved her. Not _her. _

At least there's something to hold onto.

That there was someone who could outrun the shadow, even just for a moment. Escape the dark you keep the lights off to keep. The phantom of a girl. The girl who had you willing to burn life down and drown it out.

It's just not me.

Not yet, anyway. I've got forever to run to out of the dark, and when I do, maybe you will too.

Finally drag yourself out of the shadows and ghosts that keep you so far away from me. Finally pull yourself out of the place where I can't reach you. Out of the world of New Earth meadows and out of _her _reach. Into the light where her shadow can't touch you and force you to relive whatever happened.

If she cared about you, she wouldn't have wanted that. Would she?

"_She's just an invention, a character-"_

_Was she even real, Doctor? _Or _was_ she an invention? A fantasy, twisted into the shape of a girl you could love. A way to deal with the loss of your people. Your family. Your friends. A beautiful fiction, fashioned into something you could focus on. _Someone_ to focus living for.

Maybe.

But the hardest part of living a dream is waking up. What woke you up? What made you realise she was never there?

Or maybe she _was _real. Maybe you just "lost her", like you said

_Is she dead, Doctor? _You talk to her like she is. I know how you speak to her. All alone in the console room when you think I've gone to bed. I can see you miss her. _Grieve her. _But if she's just "lost", why not go find her?

She's dead isn't she?

Or did you wake up from the game you created and refused to let go of whatever remnants of the dream were left?

_What was she like, Doctor?_

I ignore your cryptic comments about her. Talking about her but never _saying _anything about her. I saw the picture in your journal. It was beautiful. _She _was beautiful. Not stunning, but amazing in her quaint way. I wish I could see what you saw in her though. I wish I could look at her and see what you saw. Still see.

I saw how each line you made was made with care and devotion. When I saw it, I felt my heart break. A man who can't even remember her still tries to make her perfect. To capture the way she looked in his dreams. My heart broke for John Smith. It was long broken for you.

I deny everything. I don't love you. Or at least, I've convinced myself I don't. A passing fancy, that's what you are. You smile at me gratefully and pull me into a hug. You hold me tighter than you ever had before. I close my eyes and wonder; _is this how you held her? _

Judging by the way you ended the hug so abruptly, I guess not.

And I find myself cast back into the shadows. And somewhere, far away, I can hear her crying.

**Don't ask me. It's just a little introspective-plot bunny that decided to make an appearance. Sort of based on my other story "Drowning", by means of phrasing it and everything, not sure if it worked though. Hope you enjoyed it all the same though. : )**


End file.
